@noog

I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.

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@BuckyIsotope

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

@Diversion50

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The Chosen Phew

@hermanntrude

For some reason, sloths climb down out of the trees to defecate, about once a week.

Imagine how frustrating it must be when they forget to bring their phones.

@OrdinaryAlso

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

@Ygrene

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

@delusions_of

“Hey you, Brutus? Please don’t let them name a salad after me.”

– Julius Caesar’s actual last words

@SondraDeeMe

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.