I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

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[packing for camping trip]

me: need portable lights

jack: a flashlight?

me: nah, the bigger one with a handle

jack: oh, lantern?


Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham


[house hunting]

ME: I can see us settling down here

REALTOR: oh you have a family?

ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet


*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number


Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.


Florida is great, if you make a wrong turn you’re at the beach.


“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”


Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.