torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
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Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were