I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
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Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.