Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
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I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
*dog watching me feed cat*
-I honestly can’t remember the last time I had food.
-I fed you exactly 1 minute ago
-has it been a week I think it’s been a week
If I ever go missing, please put my photo on a Tequila bottle because nobody I know drinks milk.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.