@Smethanie

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

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@Tmoney68

Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.

@lmwortho

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

@treydayway

Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it

@BoogTweets

Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here

Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship

@PanicRestroom

How to run faster:

1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start running

You’re welcome

@blaha_Who

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

@six_2_and_even

*dog watching me feed cat*
-I honestly can’t remember the last time I had food.
-I fed you exactly 1 minute ago
-has it been a week I think it’s been a week

@Mr_goose007

If I ever go missing, please put my photo on a Tequila bottle because nobody I know drinks milk.

@wildethingy

I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.

It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.