I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
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Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Coffee for people with no kids
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Succinctly put.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?