@IsisIrisimawake

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

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@Cheeseboy22

My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

@KPsych29

Anything u say can & will be used against u, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And, we never forget. Anything. Ever.

@LoveNLunchmeat

How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.

@wendchymes

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

@HiddenPinky

[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*

@NewDadNotes

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

@jackiembouvier

A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.

@lasergirl70

“I didn’t come here to argue.”

– people who definitely came to argue.

@Moronyc

A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer