@IsisIrisimawake

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

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@michaelianblack

Finally saw the new Batman. SPOILER ALERT: the Bane character is up to no good.

@Marlebean

If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

@10InchesPlus

Boxed wine: Because corkscrews are dangerous after the second bottle.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“Cuz im going too fast?”

Cop: Yes, slow down.

“But it’s been 6 months-”

Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.

@SteveSuckington

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

@Browtweaten

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

@RidiculousSheri

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

@hippieswordfish

ME: so basically it’s like the batsignal except it’s the golden arches so you know when the mcrib is back
SANTA: please get off my lap

@daemonic3

[campfire]

And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN

[everyone screams in terror]