@WriterLifeCo

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.

- @WriterLifeCo

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@david8hughes

Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

@abbycohenwl

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

@elvisknievil

If you ever need 15 minutes of peace and quiet from texting, tell her to send a selfie.

@randypaint

life: here’s some lemons

me: alright

life: a bad hairline too

me: wait-

life: also anxiety lol

me: why did u start with citrus

@InternetHippo

My advice is be an absolute scumbag for the first 20-30 years of your life, then everyone will be super impressed when you start doing the bare minimum

@peachesanscream

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?

@TheHatdog

*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*

@SoVeryBritish

“Oh, I like your coat!”

“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”

@iwearaonesie

coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?