I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
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Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.