I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
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Wish all of my viruses were this polite
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Please do it!
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Monday
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?