@JasonLastname

I bet the best massage in the world is getting attacked by a toothless shark.

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@SortaBad

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

@dafloydsta

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘arrogance’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can, don’t be stupid

@murrman5

me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go

@WheelTod

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks

@JoshuaGrubbsPhD

An apology, to my wife:

I am sorry,
The kids were playing
Some sort of cowboy game

The five year old
Kept yelling
‘Yippee Ki Yay’

I did not think.
Instinctively, I
Finished the phrase.

And now he knows
A new word.

@jergarl

I’ve been leaving a dollar in every book I read my entire life for my kids to find when it’s my time to go. I’m already up to like 3 bucks.

@AimeeHelene1

I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.

When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.