I bet the best massage in the world is getting attacked by a toothless shark.

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The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle


[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘arrogance’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can, don’t be stupid


me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go


My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.


Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks


An apology, to my wife:

I am sorry,
The kids were playing
Some sort of cowboy game

The five year old
Kept yelling
‘Yippee Ki Yay’

I did not think.
Instinctively, I
Finished the phrase.

And now he knows
A new word.


I’ve been leaving a dollar in every book I read my entire life for my kids to find when it’s my time to go. I’m already up to like 3 bucks.


I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.

When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.