I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
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spicy snake
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical