I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
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My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.