I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
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It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.