I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
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I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing