i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community

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Batman: Why so down?

Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.

*[Jesus enters]

Aquaman: Dammit!


No sports, day 4:

We’re adjusting to dad being part of the family. The kids even remembered to set a place at the table for him. We learned he likes ketchup on his meatloaf.


Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.


Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.


When my twitter crush rt’s another girl, a little part of me dies. And so does she.


so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder


1am: Huh, I’m not tired…

2am: I feel great! Maybe I don’t need sleep?

3:04am: Euthanise me.


I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.