I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
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Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
I was very concerned with my Grandma today