….when optimism gets out of control.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
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Dad: I had a son once
Stranger: what happened to him?
D: he touched the thermostat
Kid: dad, I’m like right here
D: you hear something?
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Don’t you start.
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.