Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@better_off_dad

Marriage…

….when optimism gets out of control.

@DaddyJew

Dad: I had a son once

Stranger: what happened to him?

D: he touched the thermostat

Kid: dad, I’m like right here

D: you hear something?

@orange_rhymer

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

@KielyHealey

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.

@pauleggleston

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

@Fickle_Filly

[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.

@Tmoney68

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

@Cpin42

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

@DomesticGoddss

Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.