Is it that you think I can’t eat this rotisserie chicken with my bare hands while driving 75 mph, or that I won’t?
Either way, you’re wrong.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
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ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
Found an old Tom Jones CD and my underwear drawer flew wide open and all my undies threw themselves at my stereo.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?