Yawning Is our body’s way of saying 20% of battery remaining
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
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My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I JUST SAW A MAN KICK A RAT WHAT IS HAPPENING WHAT DID THAT RAT EVER DO TO YOU SIR FOR ALL YOU KNOW HE COULD BE AN AMAZING CHEF IN PARIS
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy