I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
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I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.