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Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
you stereotypes are all alike
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?