You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
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“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.