I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
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Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window