@tacos_y_cerveza

I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.

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@sixthformpoet

It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.

@tchrquotes

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

@juliussharpe

At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.

@daemonic3

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

@TheAlexP

Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.

@Kyle_Lippert

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

@MrAdamBez

I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me.

She calls me her sixty second lover.

… Wait.

@rachelle_mandik

do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?

@bobvulfov

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir