@daemonic3
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
@tacos_y_cerveza
I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
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@daemonic3
@JennyJohnsonHi5
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
@TheToddWilliams
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
@iwearaonesie
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
@mommajessiec
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
@Ygrene
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
@Jam453Lane
Putting up Christmas decorations was a bad idea. I’m drunk and stuck on top of the house with an inflatable Easter Bunny.
@SlowSlownews
Poor chap.
@realHamOnWry
My inner child just threatened to call Social Services if I don’t eat ice cream for supper tonight.
@aotakeo
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?