Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
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If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Woke up with morning Yule Log