I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
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one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO