Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
You Might Also Like
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-