When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
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Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn鈥檛 fit on one line.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they鈥檙e not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
馃檹馃従
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor鈥檚 sister鈥檚 ex-boyfriend鈥檚 password.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am鈥 wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet