… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
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There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?