I bet the guy who invented falling asleep was totally like “Oh no! I died! Hey, wait a minute…”

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Meet your girlfriend’s brother then realize you’re screwing the female version of a guy.


ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year


I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.


*First Date*

Her: Hobbies?

*thinks about the 50,000 piece Lego Death Star I’m building*

Me: Architecture and Astronomy.

Her: Impressive.


I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..


When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.


When I was growing up, my mum was always saying “you can do it!”

Like when I was asking who was cooking dinner for example


Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.


CW: if you repeatedly see a cardinal, it’s the spirit of a loved one. I think that’s my mom
Me: that’s nice. Your mom just shit on that guy