I like long walks on the beach and lying about being married.
I bet the guy who invented falling asleep was totally like “Oh no! I died! Hey, wait a minute…”
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[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
If it looks like a duck,
Sounds like a cat,
And walks like robot,
You took too many pain killers.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.