Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
I bet the guy who invented falling asleep was totally like “Oh no! I died! Hey, wait a minute…”
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Meet your girlfriend’s brother then realize you’re screwing the female version of a guy.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
*thinks about the 50,000 piece Lego Death Star I’m building*
Me: Architecture and Astronomy.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
When I was growing up, my mum was always saying “you can do it!”
Like when I was asking who was cooking dinner for example
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
CW: if you repeatedly see a cardinal, it’s the spirit of a loved one. I think that’s my mom
Me: that’s nice. Your mom just shit on that guy