[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
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You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]