I bet the guy who invented falling asleep was totally like “Oh no! I died! Hey, wait a minute…”

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I like long walks on the beach and lying about being married.


[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier


*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.


Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila


Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this


If it looks like a duck,
Sounds like a cat,
And walks like robot,
You took too many pain killers.


Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?

Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*