Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
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If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!