I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
You Might Also Like
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
New favorite tiktok
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
constantly working on myself.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol