I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
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This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
the composer
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?