I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
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Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Whoa… oh I see lol
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh