I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

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This guy at speed dating asked if I have any weird tattoos I was like lol not if you love The Golden Girls.


Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.


Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.


Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.


I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.


Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership


it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting


My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…


Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.