@TheMichaelRock

I bet the murder rate is so low in Canada because you have to go 300 miles to find someone to kill.

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@NoogsCorner

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.

@MsTexas1967

They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed

@Bob_Janke

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

@BlakWidowBarbee

Relax lady, you can quit giving me dirty evil looks. I don’t want my own husband, so I sure as hell don’t want yours.

@TheTweetOfGod

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good

Him: thatโ€™s my bandaid

@IronballsMcGinT

A man was arrested for publicly exposing himself to the “wrong person,” which implies somewhere out there the right person is waiting.