it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I bet the murder rate is so low in Canada because you have to go 300 miles to find someone to kill.
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im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
We’ve had our first casualty of the virus in my house. RIP my husband’s beard. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Fortune teller said my boss would suffer a deadly accident. But, I already knew that. I needed to know if the police would figure it out.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.