@TheMichaelRock

I bet the murder rate is so low in Canada because you have to go 300 miles to find someone to kill.

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@fat_sket

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

@dubstep4dads

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

@ericsshadow

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

@funnyordie

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

@ElizaBayne

“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous

@VisionBored1

We’ve had our first casualty of the virus in my house. RIP my husband’s beard. Please respect my privacy at this time.

@TEXASVETERAN

Fortune teller said my boss would suffer a deadly accident. But, I already knew that. I needed to know if the police would figure it out.

@JohnLyonTweets

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

@WilliamAder

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

@TheAlexNevil

Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.