Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
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The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor