I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
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CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Cheers Twitter.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.