I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
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One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I needed a laugh this morning.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year