I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.

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[my boss sees me get hit by a car in the parking lot] make sure you bring a doctor’s note if you’re gonna be late


My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter


[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”


My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.


Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.


You know when your cat looks at your kids like “thanks to you I’ve been out of food for 3 days and nobody’s noticed” …..?


[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you


Scientist: This new field is all about forecasting weather. What should we call it? Weatherology?

Other Scientist: Meteorology.

Scientist: But–

Other Scientist: *huge bong rip* Meteors.


Him: I think I’m getting sick.

Me: Do you want some euthanasia?

Him: I’m pretty sure it’s called echinacea.

Me: Tomato, tomahto.


Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.

Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.