I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
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5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!