I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
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Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
I think I’ll stand
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!