You are only making him more powerful
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
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Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Her: ‘Do I look fat in this?’
Me: ‘Do I look stupid in this?’
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’