I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
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Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I think this should do it.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”