I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
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DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.