@TheAlexNevil

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

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@sploosk

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

@behindyourback

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

@AmishPornStar1

“Eat right and exercise?!?…

I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”

@Eye_Of_Madara

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

@pleatedjeans

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

@ThaJawn

I don’t trust rabbits…

Anything that’s happy with just lettuce is suspicious

@Marlebean

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”