@TheAlexNevil

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

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@FattMernandez

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!

@FunnyBison

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

@TheToddWilliams

[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?

@MauriceBlitz

I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.

@aveuaskew

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

@TheLoinRanger

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

@daemonic3

DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant

ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before

DATE: Are you having deja vu?

ME: No I’m having the chicken

@TheAlexNevil

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

@VikramParalkar

It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.