I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
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Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
We need more people like this.