*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
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Love is in the air fryer.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore