I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
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“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
That’s amazing.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.