@weinerdog4life

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

- @weinerdog4life

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@TheWoodenslurpy

Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?

@sixfootcandy

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

@david8hughes

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

@tastefactory

COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob

@findmydolls

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

@MomofTeen

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

@Laser_Cat

“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*

@robdelaney

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?