Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
You Might Also Like
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning