I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

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Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr


I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.


DATE: *gets in car*

ME: hi *starts driving*

DATE: how’s it going?

ME: first, gas is sparked in the combustion chamber to push the pistons


Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.


“Release the Kraken!”

“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”

“Release the tuna!”


Dr: Are you sexually active?

Me: *cries*

Dr: Um, are you sexually-

Me: *cries harder*

Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?



Who called it “wearing a monocle” and not “putting on a bit of a spectacle?”