@illTortuga

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

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@smithsara79

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

@TheHyyyype

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

@Schmoodles

I’ve just turned a mortgage payment into wine.

Your move, Jesus.

@aboladejohn_

Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand

@dog_feelings

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

@TankCesar

The tattoo was temporary, but my love of dolphins shooting fire out of their mouths is forever.

@librarianfonz

There are gravy trains and boats. I wonder what gravy did to get on a no-fly list.

@IndecisiveJones

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

@Parentpains

Turn yoga class into hot yoga by chasing everyone around with a blow torch.