[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
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PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I’ve just turned a mortgage payment into wine.
Your move, Jesus.
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the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
The tattoo was temporary, but my love of dolphins shooting fire out of their mouths is forever.
There are gravy trains and boats. I wonder what gravy did to get on a no-fly list.
a public service announcement
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Turn yoga class into hot yoga by chasing everyone around with a blow torch.