@illTortuga

I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

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@jonnysun

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

@BoogTweets

Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

@sageboggs

Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business

@BGH70

Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.

@AndyAsAdjective

When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.

@chrisdelia

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

@PortRooster

Buddy of mine dropped some acid… Burnt a hole in the floor… He was tripping for days!