I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.

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[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go


[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty


I’ve just turned a mortgage payment into wine.

Your move, Jesus.


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the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this


The tattoo was temporary, but my love of dolphins shooting fire out of their mouths is forever.


There are gravy trains and boats. I wonder what gravy did to get on a no-fly list.


I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.


Turn yoga class into hot yoga by chasing everyone around with a blow torch.