When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
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pirahna: my tooth is killing me
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
[First day at New Job]
New Boss: When in Rome do as the Romans you know?
<Slaughters entire office and imposes grain taxes on peasantry>
Me: Can I leave early today?
Me: Can you leave early then?
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’