@VeryGrumpyCat

I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.

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@LaceyNycole

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

@ClichedOut

pirahna: my tooth is killing me

dentist:

pirahna: way in the back

dentist: how are u even out of water

@tarashoe

i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again

@LionJenkins

[First day at New Job]

New Boss: When in Rome do as the Romans you know?

<Slaughters entire office and imposes grain taxes on peasantry>

@IamEveryDayPpl

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

@HatfieldAnne

I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.

@pleasantchime

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

@ilovepie84

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

@egg_dog

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’