I bet when Cheetahs race & one of them cheats, the other one goes like “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” & they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.

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Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out


*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.


I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.


*puts a gun against a magician’s back

Me and you are going to get all the quarters, from behind all the ears


My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.


My Wife does this cute thing where she says that “actions speak louder than words” and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.


My wife said that my 5 year old gets really hyper because of the sugar he has at breakfast so I think I’ll stop putting it in his coffee.


Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.