@KKAlThani

I bet when Cheetahs race & one of them cheats, the other one goes like “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” & they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.

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@ChicksRule

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

@ShesARealGenius

*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.

@3sunzzz

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

@ThaJawn

*puts a gun against a magician’s back

Me and you are going to get all the quarters, from behind all the ears

@JustASmirk

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

@Los01001111

My Wife does this cute thing where she says that “actions speak louder than words” and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife said that my 5 year old gets really hyper because of the sugar he has at breakfast so I think I’ll stop putting it in his coffee.

@brianbowman73

Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.

I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.