I bet when Cheetahs race & one of them cheats, the other one goes like “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” & they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.

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Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic


me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”


It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.


someone on Reddit said English is like five languages hiding in a trench coat pretending to be one language and like….yeah


Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater


librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees

me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find


The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.


satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.

dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.


dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.


dad: im going to super hell arent i.

satan: youre going to super hell.