Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
I bet when Cheetahs race & one of them cheats, the other one goes like “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” & they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
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me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
someone on Reddit said English is like five languages hiding in a trench coat pretending to be one language and like….yeah
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Are all NASCAR fans fat with goatee’s or is that just the women?
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.