I bet when Cheetahs race & one of them cheats, the other one goes like “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” & they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.

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me: *waking up* who’s there

monster under bed: hi

me: *shaking* omg you’re real

monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you

me: oh

monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy

me: dad?

monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax


All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now


Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?


The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend


Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.nnDads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.


I’m commonly known to my friends as “that nutty guy”

Haha, just kidding. Squirrels can’t talk.


wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go


I think I’ve laughed out loud at this interaction like 3 times today


Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.


I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.