me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
I bet when Cheetahs race & one of them cheats, the other one goes like “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” & they laugh & eat a zebra or whatever.
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All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.nnDads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I’m commonly known to my friends as “that nutty guy”
Haha, just kidding. Squirrels can’t talk.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
I think I’ve laughed out loud at this interaction like 3 times today
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.