I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

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No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother


[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.


Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.


DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?

ME: Mostly cholesterol.


The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of beer per year. That’s 41 miles per gallon…which is not bad.


I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.


No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.


A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this


[in bed]
me: can i share something without being judged

date: um ok sure what is it

me: i… i have a foot fetish

date: oh that’s not that weird i-

me: *placing her exactly 12 inches from me* ohhhh yeah that’s the stuff