I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
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*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Geez man, take it easy.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers