i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
You Might Also Like
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on