I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
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Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Realize this:
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child