I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies

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Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey


If the movie theater slightly lowered their candy prices I wouldn’t have to duct tape candy around my kid’s torso like a suicide bomber


The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.


Beer before liquor, never sicker.

Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.

Mexican food before wine, no 69.


just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait


I’m so lucky, I married my best friend!! I hope my husband doesn’t find out


Had pumpkin flavored coffee this morning and immediately signed up for a Zumba class and kidnapped 2 kids and drove them to a soccer field


ME: 50 Cent has to clone himself to be able to go to the Dollar Store.
DATE: Do you ever listen to yourself


Some lady just wrong-number texted me so I tried being funny but I think I scared her off from going to brunch


Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.