Opponent: I wish you luck
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
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If the movie theater slightly lowered their candy prices I wouldn’t have to duct tape candy around my kid’s torso like a suicide bomber
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Beer before liquor, never sicker.
Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.
Mexican food before wine, no 69.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I’m so lucky, I married my best friend!! I hope my husband doesn’t find out
Had pumpkin flavored coffee this morning and immediately signed up for a Zumba class and kidnapped 2 kids and drove them to a soccer field
ME: 50 Cent has to clone himself to be able to go to the Dollar Store.
DATE: Do you ever listen to yourself
Some lady just wrong-number texted me so I tried being funny but I think I scared her off from going to brunch
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.