I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
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I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
I’m awake but I object,
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard