@albz

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

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@VisionBored1

I love when people complain about other people’s kids like other people’s grown ups aren’t way worse

@ISOremarkable

if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

@AmishPornStar1

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

@ThugRaccoons

Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?

Astronomer: No, comet.

@TVsCarlKinsella

FOUNDER OF HOGWARTS: okay, so we all know there are four types of kid. brave, smart, evil and miscellaneous.
SCHOOL BOARD: yes, continue.

@Bob_Heller

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

@bossy_bootz

You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it

@Boleyngirly

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

@AllanForsyth

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.