I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

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I love when people complain about other people’s kids like other people’s grown ups aren’t way worse


if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”


Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.


Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.


Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?

Astronomer: No, comet.


FOUNDER OF HOGWARTS: okay, so we all know there are four types of kid. brave, smart, evil and miscellaneous.
SCHOOL BOARD: yes, continue.


Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.


You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it


My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”


I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.