I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

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[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out


Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.

Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎


*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer


I thought IT was a movie about tech nerds. To me, that’s a lot creepier than a dumb clown with a red balloon.


I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.


Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.


Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter


One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.