@albz

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

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@imence2

My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.

@Julian_Epp

People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud

@ShutUpThatsWho

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

@leechee420

Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.

@KazHiraiCEO

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

@aguywithnolife

#I #love #how #you #hashtag #a #million #words #on #all #your #instagram #pics. #i #hope #you #get #your #period #in #a #sharktank.

@Carbosly

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.

@Vishj05

Walked 2 kms on four lane highway and Fitbit is showing 2 kms covered and not 8.

C’mon Fitbit, update your app with new formula.