@albz

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

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@Cpin42

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

@RexChapman

Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.

Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎

@WarningPuzzle

*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer

@tsm560

I thought IT was a movie about tech nerds. To me, that’s a lot creepier than a dumb clown with a red balloon.

@loribuckmajor

I like to finish other people’s sentences because

my version is better.

@1Happytwit

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

@emireecraire

Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter

@JenAshleyWright

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.