I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

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Son: mom did you hear about the actress that got stabbed?

Me: no, who?

Son: Reese something

Me: Witherspoon??

Son: NO, with her knife! Hahaha

Me: ᴴᴱᴸᴾ ᴹᴱ


*makes eye contact
*slowly pulls a banana out my bag
*and another one
*and another one
*and another one
*and another one
*breaks eye contact
*looks in my bag if there’s any more banana’s.
*makes eye contact again
*slowly pulls out another banana


I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.


“But I need braaaaaaains!”

~A frustrated zombie at a Trump rally


[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack


There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.


*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number


Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight


Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel


Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.


If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.