I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
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I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!