@robfee

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

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@Divergentmama

Son: mom did you hear about the actress that got stabbed?

Me: no, who?

Son: Reese something

Me: Witherspoon??

Son: NO, with her knife! Hahaha

Me: ᴴᴱᴸᴾ ᴹᴱ

@Bratterina

*makes eye contact
*slowly pulls a banana out my bag
*and another one
*and another one
*and another one
*and another one
*breaks eye contact
*looks in my bag if there’s any more banana’s.
*makes eye contact again
*slowly pulls out another banana

@weinerdog4life

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

@just1fool

“But I need braaaaaaains!”

~A frustrated zombie at a Trump rally

@QwertyJones3

[College admissions office]

“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”

ME: that’s wack

@Loli_Sug

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

@WheelTod

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

@Steelers1972

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

@BuckyIsotope

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

@junejuly12

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.