I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
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Google assistant rules
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.